You Are Exactly the Parent Your Kids Need

Bottom Line

• Raising healthy, happy kids feels harder than ever. While parenting has never been easy, something has shifted to make it feel complex and overwhelming.
• Evolution equipped us with the relational hardware to parent successfully—just look at how seamlessly animals fulfill their parenting duties.
• Your kids don't need more techniques or expert advice; they need you.

Other Animals Get the Job Done

You don't see elephants struggling to parent. Wolves, bears, and penguins don't seem to be failing either. They don't need parenting classes, and their young rarely fail at being the elephant, wolf, bear, or penguin they're meant to be.

Yes, animals have difficult moments as parents—the image of a sow with all those piglets clamoring for milk doesn't look fun—but they still get the job done.

Why Human Parents Struggle

Why isn't this the case for us? I see the parents of my patients struggling, I hear worries from friends and family about parental inadequacies, and I often wonder why it feels so difficult to show up in a non‑reactive way for my own kids.

There are countless explanations for why our kids aren't thriving: screen time, performance pressure, COVID, ultra‑processed foods, social media. I am incredibly grateful for the experts who thoughtfully examine these issues. Many, if not all, of these theories likely contain some truth.

But here's what's crucial: these are all theories—ideas that may or may not have real‑world impact on you and your kids. Don't let the onslaught of information and worry keep you from remembering what your kids need most: you.

The Simple Truth

You are the parent your kids need. They might not act like it sometimes, and you might not always feel worthy or confident in this role, but it's the truth because it's reality.

It's quite simple really. Children are dependent little creatures who need to be taught about this world. They need to be kept safe and nourished so they can grow and learn to do the same for others. They need to be comforted so they can learn to comfort themselves. They need to be seen so they can learn to see themselves and others.  They need you to set boundaries so that they can relax within the safety of the world you create.  Only when these conditions are met can kids relax enough that the process of healthy maturation unfolds.

This is the cycle. You're in it right now. Like I said, it's simple. It's just not easy. But it can be, for all of us.

Change Your Baseline Assumption

We just have to change our baseline assumption about parenting.

Let's shift from whatever anxiety-riddled story we're holding onto—"parenting is impossible these days" or "I'm failing as a parent if I'm not busy every moment"—TO "Parenting may not always be easy, but it is simple AND I have everything it takes to be the parent my child needs."

Have some confidence. Have some fun! Take the pressure off. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing or parenting the wrong way. There is no right way or wrong way, but you'll certainly know when you're doing the right or wrong thing based on how it feels—not based on what experts or parental influencers tell you.

Enjoy This One Opportunity

Parenting is a process with no defined endpoint. We parents get an incredible opportunity to keep at it and keep showing up. Because of this, there really aren't "problems" in the usual sense; there's just your next move in this infinite game.

Enjoy your kids. Take advantage of this one opportunity to shape and enjoy a relationship with a being who feels nearly infinite positive regard and love for you simply because you are you.

Our brains struggle to grasp this concept. We crave defined issues we can fix—and that's not a bad thing. We just have to work with that part of ourselves while maintaining balance and seeing the big picture. In the end, the simple, hard‑to‑accept truth is that the how of our parenting matters as much as, or more than, the what we do (what decisions we make, which rules we enforce, which school we choose, etc.).

Trust Yourself

You already have everything your kids need. Trust that. Feel that belief in yourself guiding you back to the path of the inherent parent. That’s what our kids deserve and the place from which we can actually enjoy this crazy parenting journey.

In my next post, I'll share a simple framework that helps me stay connected to this truth when outside forces try to pull me away from it.