A Simple Framework for Intuitive Parenting

This is a follow-up to my previous post about parenting from a place of confidence by accepting the fact that you are exactly the parent your child needs. If you haven't read that yet, I'd recommend starting there.

Today, I’ll offer a framework for how to organize incoming information and begin moving toward Right Action as the intuitive parent you are meant to be.

The Challenge

Even when we know we're exactly the parent our kids need, it doesn't always feel that way. Forces constantly pull us away from our natural parenting instincts, making us second-guess ourselves and feel inadequate.

To organize incoming parenting information and stay on the path of more intuitive, mindful parenting, I use a straightforward framework. This framework helps me keep things simple and avoid thinking there's a true "solution" to any parenting dilemma. Instead, it reminds me that I'm exactly the parent my kids need—and that sometimes, there are just barriers that get in the way of feeling that.  No need for me to freak out because my kid is struggling or I feel overwhelmed.  Instead, I try to stay calm and take the time to consider and address the issues that are throwing things off—whether it’s something within me or something going on with my child.  Then, with a clearer understanding of what’s actually going on, I just do my best.  Simple.  Rinse and repeat, and watch as the process of parenting reveals its simplicity.

It’s about you and your kid, your relationship, and the world you create together.

The Two Main Barriers

In this framework, there are two main barriers to inherent parenting:

• Culture (and subcultures)
  
  
• Our “survival code” (evolutionary bugs that no longer serve us in modern times)
  
  

Anytime something feels off, consider what aspect of culture or your own survival code might be interfering with your ability to access your inherent parenting wisdom.

What do I mean by “feels off”?
This can look like many things because this is a framework meant to be applied in any parenting situation. For example, “off” might look like your child’s behavior being totally out of control. That behavior is simply the only language your kid has to express that something isn’t quite right.  If this is the case, your focus should be less on the behavior itself and more on trying to understand what is causing it. Yes, of course take whatever immediate action is necessary in the moment—but in order to prevent repeated issues, don’t just react—think.  Think about what aspect of culture might be putting your kid in a tough spot. Think about how your own reactivity might be preventing your child from feeling seen or could in some other way be having a negative impact on the relationship between the two of you.

A Personal Example

Recently, my wife and I were deciding what activities to sign our boys up for in the fall. I found myself wanting to sign them up for more—especially wanting my almost-eight-year-old to be exposed to athletic pursuits in a more competitive, intentional way.

Why not sign him up for year-round swim league and a competitive basketball league? We could make the logistics work, and we could afford it—so why not?

I could tell that I wasn’t in a good spot on this issue.  Instead of having a sense of clarity, I felt a little restless and found myself buried in my phone looking up options for swim and basketball, trying to work our family’s schedule like a jigsaw puzzle, and—most noticeably—not communicating clearly with my wife.

Eventually it got to the point that I knew I needed to recenter myself as a parent and lean on my framework. I started by remembering that my wife and I have everything our boys need and that parenting is simple. Then I took time to think deeply and tried to identify what aspects of culture and my own survival code were separating me from myself.

Breaking Down the Barriers

• The surrounding culture: Where I live, it’s all about more, more, more when it comes to extracurriculars. Pay for the best, get your kids involved early, and gobble up any advantage you can to build or preserve privilege.
  
  
• My family culture: We didn’t do lots of extracurriculars growing up, but whatever we did do, we were expected to excel in. Part of me still believes it’s not okay to just enjoy a sport—you need to be really good at it, win tournaments, bring home trophies.
  
  
• My survival code: In this case, it was my desire to ensure security through control that was rearing its head. I was making a faulty connection: thinking that if I could create the perfect schedule for my eight-year-old—one that pushed him in all the right ways and helped him develop important physical and character skills through sports—that would somehow keep him safe and make him successful.
  
  

Yes, I do believe there are many valuable lessons to be learned through sport. But my ruminations on these athletic pursuits were preventing me from seeing the full picture.

My son needs balance. He needs time to chill, time to be a kid, time to hang with his family, time to read, time to be bored. Extracurriculars are just one piece of a much larger puzzle. It wasn’t until I exposed the stories in my head to the light of day that I was able to regain a sense of clarity and ease in my parenting.

Understanding is the Key

What I hope this example shows is that understanding is the key.
Self-understanding—and a raw, honest understanding of why the people around you say and do what they do—unlocks your own inherent parenting wisdom. When you’re able to understand an issue, you can see right through it.

The more I engage in the process of parenting and dedicate myself to it fully, the more I see these two recurring contributors to my own insecurities and parental anxieties: culture, and my own survival code.

Moving Forward

I'm not trying to solve any problems or examine any issues in depth here.  I hope to discuss the cultural forces that really challenge parents, children, and the parent-child dynamic in future posts.  I will also dedicate at least one post to examining our ‘survival code’ and all it entails in more detail soon.  But this post—and last week’s—are about stepping back and rethinking how we approach the process of parenting.

Last week, the core question was: Do we choose to approach parenting with optimism and confidence, or with negativity and shame?
We often think that’s not a choice—but it is.

This week, it’s about choosing to keep things simple, staying calm, and moving toward clarity. One way you can do this is by using a framework.  Frameworks are scaffolding that help us approach the management of complex issues.  The one I use helps me move from the heavy, sometimes dark places that parenting can take me—and toward clarity and understanding. It does this by helping me identify the real barriers to accessing my own intuitive parenting abilities.

The big picture matters.  We are all so prone to want to fix what is right in front of us.  In focusing on the short-term, we develop habitual patterns that often don’t address the issues that a narrow perspective does not take into account.  Take a step back and have the confidence to be the conductor of this wild orchestra that is parenting!  I think you might find that most of the time, the music is more beautiful than you ever allowed yourself to notice.  But also in taking on this vantage point, you will see how things come together and how they sometimes don’t come together.

From a big picture perspective, your kids need you in two specific ways: a healthy relationship with you, and your understanding—which allows you to see through aspects of culture and your own survival code that aren't serving the parent-child dynamic.  Tell yourself whatever stories and utilize whatever frameworks work for you that allow you to be the sturdy leader (as Dr. Becky calls it in her book Good Inside) your kids need.  Being a sturdy leader is also a much more enjoyable role to fill than that of the reactive parent who just stays busy putting out fires all day.  In this role, I think you might even begin to experience a sense of freedom as a parent that leads to more confidence, ease, and creativity.

The Big Picture

The big picture matters. We are all so prone to fixing what’s right in front of us. But when we only focus on the short term, we often develop patterns that don’t address the bigger issues at play.

Take a step back—and have the confidence to be the conductor of this wild orchestra that is parenting. You may find that the music is more beautiful than you’ve ever allowed yourself to notice. And from this wider vantage point, you’ll start to see how things come together—and how they sometimes don’t.

From a big-picture perspective, your kids need you in two specific ways:

1. A healthy relationship with you
   
   
2. Your understanding—which helps you see through cultural noise and outdated survival responses that don’t serve the parent–child bond
   
   

Tell yourself whatever stories and use whatever frameworks help you be the sturdy leader (as Dr. Becky calls it in Good Inside) your kids need. Being that leader is far more enjoyable than constantly reacting and putting out fires.

In this role, I think you might even begin to experience a sense of freedom in parenting that leads to more confidence, ease, and creativity.

Two Parting Questions for Reflection

1. What parenting issues tend to make you feel inadequate or hard on yourself?
   Could some aspect of culture be negatively impacting you? Could simply naming this issue—and seeing it more clearly—take some pressure off you and your child?
   
   
2. Are there areas of parenting that consistently make you feel nervous about your child’s future or like you’re not doing enough?
   These are often signs of your survival code acting up. Take time to write down or think through how these thoughts might not actually be as true as they feel.
   
   

Remember: You already have everything your kids need. This framework simply helps you see through the noise and trust yourself.